Attention, long-term care operators!
I strongly suggest you brace yourselves. Get in a positive head space. Sip a soothing cup of tea, or crush a Xanax on your oatmeal. Command your admissions directors to keep phone lines free. Set a wheelchair near the door, and assign someone sturdy to push it. Because evidence suggests that sooner than later, I’ll be one of your residents.
I know this because recently, for the very first time, I accessed my senior discount. Actually, that’s not entirely true. It was accessed without my knowledge, by an alleged friend who was buying us movie tickets for “Barbie.”
When she proudly told me what she’d done, I alternated between gratefulness and despair. Yes, I saved two dollars. But she also created deep within my age-encrusted soul a palpable sense of looming mortality. So I’m currently processing those opposing sentiments by creating a new self-help book, “Approaching the Grave, 10% at a Time.”
For those who have followed my column over the years, my acceptance of this milestone must come as a terrible surprise. “Gary, this is shocking beyond belief,” you’re thinking. “We’ve seen your author photo, and sincerely believed you had qualified for a senior discount at least a decade ago.”
Now that I’ve taken this first step in accessing my hard-earned benefits, I’ll be seeking other opportunities to take full advantage of elder status. Senior menus alone will open up a whole new world to me, hopefully starting with a Moons over My Hammy breakfast at Denny’s.
I’ll also be attempting to leverage my new position as a revered elder to ease the effort and stress of my work with McKnight’s. Let’s just keep this between us for now, as I haven’t yet notified my editor. But here’s what I’m thinking:
From now on, my columns will be 10% less relevant. My words will be 10% shorter. My spelling will be 10% worse. My submissions will be 10% past deadline. My jokes will be 10% lamer. My anger over criticism will be 10% more hair-trigger. My judgment on controversial topics will be 10% impaired. My opinions will be 10% less subtle. And my ego will be 10% more insufferable.
However, since every column I write is dictated directly to me by an omnipotent deity and set in stone at the time of its creation, my willingness to be edited will be exempt from any kind of senior adjustment, and remain at 0.
From the October 2023 Issue of McKnight's Long-Term Care News
